Psychic Vegetables and the Things They Have Told Me
78Psychic Vegetables and The Things They’ve Told Me
Actually, the vegetables are not psychic, just a little bit strange. And strangely, the psychic is me.
So I am writing about Strange Vegetables and the Things They Have Told Psychic Me.
If this hub contains just a particle of wit,
Then thank Stan Fletcher. He’s the one who started it.
You all know about my Interviews that are supernatural, right?
With my psychic powers, I asked these strange vegetables to keep it light.
Just tell me a joke or a humorous story, And all of us will be covered with glory.
First I spoke with the Artichokes,
They wanted to tell knock, knock jokes.
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Fornication.”
“Fornication who?”
“Fornication like this, you should wear socks and shoe(s).”
That was so bad I had to grin and bear it, I think I will go and find me a carrot.
The Carrots asked, “What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
Do you give up? The answer, my friend, is a carrot.” (Think about this one).
I asked the Beans for favorite lines, And they came up with these:
“It’s not the first mouse, you know, But the second that gets the cheese.”
“What’s a metaphor?” was the Lettuce’s questioning phrase.
Answer: “For cows and sheep to have a safe place to graze,”
The Cabbage then said with a snarl and a scoff,
“Sex on TV can’t hurt you . . . unless you fall off.”
“What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work.” asked the Eggplant - he’s thick.
“A broken boomerang,” I answered? “No,” said the Eggplant. “You call it a stick.”
The white Radish had this question for me – I think he must have been an albino.
“What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.”
I got this one from Asparagus. He seldom drives; just takes the bus.
“A grasshopper walks into a bar, you see.
The bartender says we have a drink named after thee.
Really, says the grasshopper, turning red,
Why would anyone name a drink, Fred?”
The Brussels sprouts had the best riddle that I have heard this year.
“How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
Answer – A buccaneer/”
The Celery asked, “Why did the Amish couple get divorced?”
I haven’t a clue. Answer: “He was driving her buggy?” Of course.
That was lame so I moved on to the Beets. They were all on Twitter and twitting tweets,
Those beets are actually such fools. They have the IQ of garden tools.
The Broccoli asked, “What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?”
I said, “I don’t really know.” They said. “It’s simple; kids won’t eat broccoli. (Ugh!)
The Cauliflower told me this charming beguiler:
“What has 4 legs and one arm?” Answer: “a Rottweiler!”
The Onion asked, “What’s the difference between an accordion and an onion?”
Give up? “No one ever cries when you cut up or slice an accordion.” (Sorry, AKirchner).
“The toilet seats were stolen from police headquarters,” said the Pumpkin.
“Now all the police personnel have absolutely nothing to go on.”
The Peas told me about this dyslexic guy – he walked into a bra.
I think that is impossible but they say they know what they saw.
The Turnips discussed a new pill; it makes you feel good but you become dull.
“What’s it called?” I asked. They answered, “Prosaic.” OMG, that joke is archaic.
Here’s the doozy from the Rutabagas.
“Excuse me, does this bus go ‘to Las Vegas?’”
I promise when you read the answer you’ll weep.
“No, I’m sorry, this bus goes beep, beep, beep.”
Now a great big finish from the Spinach. I just hope it doesn’t damage my image.
Two guys were walking their dogs. One had a large German shepherd. The other had a tiny Chihuahua.
The shepherd owner said, “Let’s go into this bar for a drink.”
The other guy asked, “Will they let us in with our dogs, ya think?”
“Watch this.” He puts on dark glasses and acts like his shepherd is a Seeing Eye.
Then he walks into the bar, orders a drink, and sits there like any other guy.
So the second man puts on his dark glasses and walks his Chihuahua into the bar without fear.
The bartender says gently, “I’m sorry, fellow, but we do not allow any dogs in here.”
And the man says, “It’s okay, this is my Seeing Eye dog, you know.”
The bartender laughs hysterically and says, “This Chihuahua is your Seeing Eye dog? Whoa.”
And the guy says . . . “They gave me a Chihuahua???!!!”
Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
© Copyright BJ Rakow 2011. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So"
Stan Fletcher's Fantabulous Hub Contest
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Haha, that was great! What a fun way to begin the day. Loved the illustrations too. Must pay closer attention to the spinach before I tear into it today! :D
OMYGarsh!-- this is to much for a pun-o-holic with a corny joke side addiction.
I'll have to admit that I don't yet get the one about the Rotweiler, but the boogers and Fred came across perfectly.
I have a vegetable garden every year,,, and was much more comfortable with that, when I knew I did not have to interview them.
Thnaks.
Hi, Pamela. So happy to see you here, hysterical or otherwise. Yes, I am now talking to vegetables - how low can one sink? Next thing you know, I'll be talking back to the chocolate chip cookies.
Delighted you enjoyed my corny jokes. I got a million of 'em. :)
Hello, sweet FP, I'm delighted you have a fun way to start your day. May your weekend be fun-filled, too.
I have to admit I am not a spinach (or most vegetables) lover but I do know it did wonders for Popeye. He has the most tremendous biceps.
Thanks for liking the graphics, too. :)
Go here - http://hubpages.com/tag/seattlestan/latest/?rss You are indexed!
This was so funny, I'll never be able to eat a carrot again without laughing.
Bob must be dislexic as he walks into a bra every time I come home from work!
Hello, Rochelle. How nice to see you again. I have missed you. So you love puns and jokes, too. You are my kind of woman.
Delighted that the boogers and Fred got your attention. Regarding the Rottweiler with 4 legs and 1 arm - the 4 legs are his own legs and the arm is one he has torn off some unlucky human - possibly his owner. That breed can be ferocious.
You don't have to feel uncomfortable with the vegetables in your garden. I'll be happy to talk to them for you any time. BTW, have you visited my "Interview with Lady Godiva"? I think you will enjoy it, too. Thanks for visiting.
Vegetables are strange -- and you are what you eat. This was so bad, I have to give five stars for badness. Lynda
OHMYGOSH! DRBJ!
You are toooooo funny!
And now I know why!
Your association with
Psychotic veggies
Has left you "far out" and high!
I couldn't stop laughing! So much wisdom, common sense & subtlety in those weird roots, stems, fruits and leaves! Who knew? I always regarded lettuce as overly serious, beans as about as wise as a teenager, cabbage as too straight-laced, radishes as dead-heads - not so!! And never did I expect an eggplant to love shaggy dog humor! And on and on. A whole new world right in the produce section! Except - - broccoli. . . . it's gross! I've been its champion, but it's let me down now!
That finish is TOOOOOOOOO TOOOOOOOOOOOO. . .. . . . EXQUISITE! I never knew George Carlin had a spinachy cousin! But it does explain a lot of things!
OHMYGOSH,
Dear Doc,
You have it all.
You' re not only psychic,
You're off the wall!!
drbj, could you ask your psychic vegetable friends the lottery numbers in the UK this weekend? Wow, I didn't know that veggies had such a sense of humour - so funny!
.
The things I do for friendship! :-)))
Psychicdog loved it! Laughing all the way. Can i ask was the lettuce's joke that metaphor sounds like meadow for? Did I get it drbj?
drbj, you really gave me enough jogging on the inside with this hub! I do not understand how you can put a hub like this together, and succeed in getting every single joke funny on its own! You are a master of jokes! And every vegetable will have a new meaning from now on:))
Oh very nice. I tried to do something similar and was way off. Very very good! Well done again drbj!
You are soo funny. My favorites, Buccaneer and Rottweiler. I usually don't like many Vegies, but they're funny and i love to laugh. More please.
Cheers
This is over-the-top creative. I'm serious, one of the best hubs I've ever read. When I saw what you were trying to do, and the length of the hub, I had my doubts if you could make it all the way to the end. I should have known better. And the chihuahua joke was a killer. Loved it. Loved them all. Thanks for playing along!
What do you mean vegetables aren't psychic?! I never go anywhere without first consulting my salad. Rated tres funny. Loved the chihuahua joke the best too :)
Thank you, Lela. Happy to hear I've been indexed since others often have a very difficult time putting me in my place. :)
Do regret if I've made it difficult for you to eat carrots now without laughing. But laughing is a very good thing - just don't do it WHILE you are eating the carrots.
So Bob walks into a bra whenever you come home? Not a bad thing as long as it's YOU wearing that bra. Don't complain, sweetie.
You know, Lynda, I feel the same way - vegetables are strange. And if you are what you eat, then I'm a barbecue rib and a chocolate chip cookie.
You gave me five stars for badness? Wow, I've finally arrived. Thank you, obrigada, muchas gracias.
Now calm down and stop laughing, Nellieanna, or I'll think you've been hanging out too long with those vehement vegetables.
And don't let this get around. I only hung out with these veggie vagrants long enough to help out my buddy, Stan. Then I washed my hands of them.
They did help though to acquaint readers with their vagaries. That they are not above enjoying a putrefying pun or jocular joke or stupefying story.
Though I must admit some of their (?) humor was undeniably gross and unrefined. Oh, well, they never had the advantage like you and me of having attended Fokk U. As for the broccoli, they are not universally loved so they get even with inappropriate and far from subtle observations.
Delighted you loved the spinach's contribution; it's one of my all-time favorites. And thank you, thank you for the poem - I shall cherish it: "You have it all. You're not only psychic, You're off the wall!" How beautiful!
Hi, CM, I'm ahead of you, buddy, The Eggplant already promised to give me the winning lottery numbers for next week in the U.S. All he asks in return is that I find him a suitable girlfriend. I have been trying you know. But i have already been thrown out of three groceries in my area for talking to the vegetables.
The next market I visit, I'll pretend I'm talking to myself instead. I've noticed a lot of people do that and others let them be.
Thanks for enjoying these funny veggies - humour (I use that spelling in deference to you, my friend) is where you find it. Righto?
You disappoint me, dimi. "The things you do for FRIENDSHIP?"
And here I thought it was TRUE LOVE. Guess I'll just have to 'carrot' on even though you 'broccoli' my heart until I 'turnip' a new love. :(
I'm loving you, Psychicdog, for loving this stuff and laughing all the way. That's the best of all possible worlds.
And yes, you did get it - not everyone does. Metaphor represents meadow. Here's a riddle just for you. Can an elephant jump higher than a lamppost?
Of course, a lamppost can't jump. :)
Oh, thoughtforce, with comments like yours, I want to propose. Are you male or female? Never mind. We'll make adjustments. :)
So happy you are jogging on the inside - laughter really is the best medicine. You obviously have a higher sense of what constitutes genuine humor since you saw the fun in every joke. Do hope I have not spoiled your attitude toward vegetables. They mean well.
So nice to see you here, Micky. Go ahead and jump in - any topic - to Stan's fantabulous series. What can you lose? Only respect. Admiration. Esteem. Regard. Propriety, etc.
Thanks for the visit and the pleasant comments. Is it still snowing where you live?
Hi, Ruby. Delighted you love to laugh and delirious you laughed at these veggies. And their/our corny jokes. That's an appropriate adjective, no? Corny? Veggie. Corn?
So you liked the 'Buccaneer' and the 'Rottweiler,' eh? You may be as twisted as me, perish forbid.
I am not fond of vegetables but I know they are good for you so I usually get mine, other than salad and sweet potato fries, in a vitamin. Cheers backatcha.
.
Yes, yes, you are correct once more. I forgot that we are now married, so please forgive me :-)))
Hahaha “What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?” “...kids won’t eat broccoli!" Loved it!
I really had a good chuckle on this one! The thing that got it out loud belly laugh was the cartoon of the 'Flower store' being closed. If only you knew my Dad! My mom used to get so mad at him! He'd come home with all sorts of veggies, never once bringing flowers.... When I got older I'd make sure and have a florist deliver her some flowers at least once a year, just to see her smile.
She said she didn't mind the veggies so much, it was just that he expected her to cook them for him! "What kind of gift is that?" was her question...
Just so you know, I look for new Hubs of yours every day... Just waiting to see what you'll come up with next!
Good Doctor bj - and you advised ME to get back on my meds!
Gus :-)))
p.s.: funny stuff, even the dopey ones.
DRBJ and her talking vegetables
Uplifted me this morning interpretable
with delighting jokes – they’re indisputable
unbeatable – even for breakfast they're the most delectable edibles.
:))))
Winged words: “Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.”
Have a wonderful day, drbj. Call me your number one wise cabbage :)))
I am of a forgiving nature, dimi, so I will forgive you. It was only an online marriage with no written documentation so I can understand your mental lapse.
But remember, I am a Scorpio so I can forgive. But I do not FORGET! :)
So you enjoyed the broccoli riddle, Marco? Great minds love the same humor they say. Or take the same meds. Not sure which saying applies.
Thanks for stopping by - it's so nice to see you again.
Oh, sweetsusie, I'm so glad I tickled your fancy with this one - especially the cartoon with the guy bringing his wife rhubarb instead of flowers. How wonderful that it reminded you of your mom and dad.
Your mom was so right: "What kind of gift is that?" I said the same thing to my hubby once when he brought me a vacuum cleaner for a birthday present. He just didn't get it. (Interpret that at your peril.)
How sweet - you look for my hubs every day. Wish I could write that many but I don't know myself what I'll come up with. Just have to wait for that stroke of inspiration or is it hallucination to strike!
Love ya, girl. :)
Hi, Gus.
Thanks for loving this funny stuff. But they are all dopey. That's the best kind.
I didn't forget ALL my meds. I did take the daily Prozac, the Haloperidol and the Fluoxetine. I just forget to take the other six! :)
How wonderful, Martie, that I inspired such lovely verse from you. Delighted that you enjoyed my 'talking vegetables'.
I am a little surprised though that you could enjoy breakfast after ingesting some of these indigestible nuggets. But then again I already know you have a strong constitution. And you do understand the importance of laughter.
Have a wonderful Sunday and you ARE my number one, sweet 'wise cabbage'. :)
I do love your pictures and your closing simile! After reading this, I'll never become a vegetarian!
lady of mystery, don't hold this hub against all vegetables. Those I depicted just happened to be the strange ones. Or maybe the strange one is me!
Thank you a bunch for loving my pictures. And the simile is one of my favorites.
Here's another favorite saying:
They say that wisdom comes with age, But sometimes age comes alone. How true. :)
I can not beleive this...
I once said, " I would even enjoy reading your shopping list "...
Hahahaha, This is so cute !
Not only do we now see certain well documented ( but never as interested as you made them )famous historical people in a different light.
I will never make a stew again without checking what my veg has been up too.
Please please please, give us some meat jokes ahhghghghg I can't wait hahaha
I think perhaps the eggplant's joke is the best.
But they are all funny.
Hello buddy, LOL well you are my favorite funny guy, very charming personality trait...lmao...so from now on I am going to try to communicate with my veggies, heck sounds like a cool relationships, any advise on how to get the VIB going. Love you and I love this hub rate up up up peace & love darski
... well I will never have another 'veg - ga - table' again without laughing out so loud at your inimitable wit, style and charm - They should put your hubs into the Smithsonian Institute - so a future race of Hubbers can see how it's properly done ...
"“Sex on TV can’t hurt you . . . unless you fall off.”"
I gotta say I liked that one, you my friend are deff becoming the place to visit for to be cheered up although I was gutted to hear Giselle was spoken for, oh well just gotta keep lookin for the redhead of my dreams.
You just keep getting better, loved this hub !
A great idea to write this hub and a good laugh. Thank you.
I would love to get inside your head and visit. I would steal some of your talent and wit! This hub is wonderful. My favorite is the "metaphor"...and the the cartoons are magnificent. (the carrots made me laugh the loudest) Outstanding job!
Welcome, debbiedear. Nice to have you stop by. Your comment made me laugh because I do remember that comment of yours about enjoying reading my 'shopping list.' I guess your wish was my command - subconsciously.
Don't bother checking your veggies before you stew them; they are completely innocent. Only mine were 'strange.'
Thank you for enjoying this hub and my supernatural Interviews. I do appreciate you and your funny comments.
Meat jokes? How about a raccoon joke? Would that quality as meat?
These two vultures decide to fly to Florida and get on board an airplane carrying four dead raccoons. The flight attendant tells them, "I'm sorry, but there is a limit of only one carrion per passenger."
I know. That was an ugh!
Hi, Stan. "Over-the-top creative"? It takes one to know one. After all, you started this whole thing.
Thanks for your over-the-top comments - you make my day. Probably evening, too.
I realize this pitiful attempt at veggie humor could never match the attraction of Harry whats-his-name, but I'll keep trying. Thanks for enjoying the chihuahua joke and loving the hub. Playing along is my pleasure!
Sorry I'm out of order with these replies, Hillary. I didn't forget you - just misplaced you.
Now that was funny. You never go anywhere without first consulting your salad? Touche!
Thank you for regularly visiting and the 'funny' rating. Knew you would love the chihuahua joke - it's one of my best.
I can hear your salad whispering to you now, "Hillary, lettuce leave."
Thank you, Christopher, for enjoying these jokes. Somehow I had the feeling the eggplant joke might appeal to you.
Why? Because it's matter of fact and doesn't beat about the bush. Just comes right out and says what is on its (?) mind.
Isn't that you?
Hi, darski - yes, by all means, start talking to your vegetables. Just don't do it out loud in the grocery store. I discovered, personally, they do not appreciate it. Not to worry though. I can run faster than those men with the strait jackets.
As far as giving you advice on getting the VIB going, if I did we would both be banned from HP. So I'll just say, 'Let it all hang out."
Thanks for visiting and the up to the third power rating. :)
Oh, Colin, don't take it out on the rest of the veggies - they are totally innocent. I already found all the 'strange' ones.
Thank you immensely for your more than sublime comments - I love every single one of them. "Inimitable wit, style and charm?" Music to my ears.
Regarding putting my "hubs into the Smithsonian Institute" ... I'm afraid to go in there; they might not let me out. Isn't that the place that likes to display old things?
I'm delighted to be able to cheer you up, Art. Did you run out of cute redheads?
Sorry I had to be the one to tell you Gisele was taken, but cheer up - I heard she wasn't a genuine redhead.
Thanks for visiting, loving this hub and the 'sex on TV' joke.
Hi, hello. Thanks for stopping by, and the pleasure is entirely mine.
I can't take credit for the 'great idea' of writing this hub - that was all Stan's doing. But I did enjoy the journey. Delighted I gave you a laugh or two.
Oh, Audrey, if you were to get inside my head then there would be at least one rational human in there.
But thanks for the compliment. And all the lovely adjectives: 'talent, wit, outstanding, wonderful.'
Happy you enjoyed the metaphor joke and the cartoon. It is definitely my pleasure to have you visit and to have made you laugh. :)
Loved laughing at the jokes from you and your veggies! I especially enjoyed the one about the second mouse. Laughter is not only "jogging inside", it's also the very best medicine and essential to a happy life. JAYE
Nice to meet you, Jaye. I agree with you wholeheartedly that laughter is essential. It's almost as essential as breathing. Without laughter we are no better than the lowest form of life which is probably an amoeba or a paramecium.
Thanks for enjoying these jokes and the 'second mouse' one which has a moral in there someplace. :)
Absolutely delightful. I'm always looking for new ways to use vegetables...never thought of them as conversationalists. Oops, gotta go. I hear the rutabaga calling from the crisper drawer! Super read. Rated up and very, very funny!
Behind as usual....just discovered this - how hilarious. Love the talking veggies and thanks so much for including me.....yes, many people cry when I play the accordion and my dogs howl. I'm sure it is because I am so talented they just want to join in and they are moved to tears....yeah right!
Voted up as usual - you are TOOOO FUNNY!
Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. I love that quote!
Very clever!
I loved reading this - and especially the booger joke! Further to the buccaneers have you heard the one about the guy who goes to a fancy-dress party dressed as a pirate. At the door his host greets him with, "Hello, where are your buccaneers?" "Under me buccanhat," the guest replies.
Just thought since you laid all those others on us I'd return the compliment, so to speak!
Thanks for the many giggles.
Love and peace
Tony
Hi, Sally - delighted to have given you a new way to look at vegetables other than simply cooking and eating them.
Of course you hear the rutabaga calling you, dear, no matter what anyone says.
Thanks for your delightful humor, the up rating and the very, very funny. That makes two of us.
How could I not include you, Audrey, especially when I'm trying to be funny and alluding to accordions?
Thank you for loving the talking veggies - they will be pleased to learn you consider them hilarious.
Do people really cry when you play the accordion? Don't worry they are probably not genuine music lovers. On the other hand, perhaps they are!
And your dogs are simply howling because they enjoy the strange sounds that they didn't before believe humans could produce. I once had a poodle like that. She laughed, I swear it, when she watched me exercising by rope jumping. I gave her away.
Thanks for the up rating, the visit and for being TOOOO funny yourself. :)
How jolly to see you again my "super" friend. Thank you for loving the jogging quote; I love it, too.
And thank you for the 'very clever,' Do hope you wee referring to the hub as well as the quote. :)
Hi, Tony. Delighted you enjoyed the 'booger' joke. Just goes to to show what a highly sophisticated sense of humor you have - like me!
I love your buccaneer joke, too, and will never again, thanks to you, be able to look at Johnny Depp and his merry band of pirates in the same way. 'Under me buccanhat.' I even love saying it. Thank you for sharing.
I'm happy to provide the giggles - any time.
This certainly had me in hysterics, great fun and very clever of you too.
In hysterics, acaetnna? What a charming place to be. I often find myself there, too.
Delighted I was able to provide great fun and thanks for the clever. I know! :)
I like the eggplant's wit, and the onion is pretty observant!
I never knew vegetables could be so interesting!
Me, too, Ivorwen, the eggplant has a terrific sense of humor, for an eggplant, that is.
And the onion has obviously heard Akirchner play. (Just had to get the mileage out of that one for Audrey).
I am not particularly fond of eating vegetables but I do enjoy talking to them!
Oh man,
u r real funny
Man, oh, man, you are real nice to say so. I like to think I am, too.
Nice to meet you, John, and thanks for stopping by.
To funny and so good they gave me a what.....
Love your amazing gift to make us laugh. You girl are insanely talented and what a great gift to have. You can heal the world with your laughter factor.
:) Katie
VU!
(voted up)
Oh, katie, how I love to read your consistently complimentary, congenial and convivial comments. You are a treasure. So this hub gave you a "what ... !" Is that like a what followed by TF? If so, it's a first (for my hub, that is) and I shall treasure it, too.
Thanks for the insanely talented.' How I wish I could heal the world with laughter. But I promise, I won't stop trying! :)
Dear nicomp - a VU? Thank you. I am TTP. Thrilled To Pieces!
This has got to be one of the funniest things I have read any where! :D The timing of reading this hub is amazing and it will be one of the links in my next hub which is kinda sorta related.
How nice to meet you teresa8go, especially since you enjoyed my hub. You are obviously a writer of discernment. And I would be happy to link to you also in return.
I really love vegetable.
And I'm sure they all love you, too, Richard. Thanks for the visit.
Hi again (drbj)Good to be back on your out of site [SITE} There were these two ASPARGUS on the sunny side of a highway.One moved to the shady side and convinced his budy to join him. while crossing over got hit by a truck and was transported to the hospital only to be told his budy would live"But he would allways be a VEGITABLE}.ED.Stay happy.
Ed, I should have seen that one coming but I didn't so it was REALLY funny. You know I will now include it in my repertoire. May even give you credit ... occasionally. Thanks for stopping by and the chuckles. You stay happy, too.
That was fun drbj but I wont lie-I didn't get some of them. I guess I'm one of those that's a little lame when it comes to jokes and riddles. Fun stuff.
Delighted this was fun for you, Linda, but do not be upset. Sometimes my humor IS on the strange side. Tell you what: copy any punchline or joke that was not completely clear and paste it into an email to me. I'll be happy to decipher any that are puzzling. No charge! Promise.
Pamela99 Level 7 Commenter 15 months ago
drbj, That was hysterical. You are quite talented with your vegetable talk and the jokes were very funny,