How to Write an Advice Column
81How to Write an Advice Column
Benjamin Franklin once said,"Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it." That may be true, but most of us love to give advice. It is one of those commodities rarely in short supply. Like political speeches.
Do you ever read the Advice Column in your local newspaper? I do. Since I have spent much of my professional career giving advice, in one form or another, I believe I am eminently qualified to write an advice column. So I recently embarked on a new career as an Advice Columnist. I have tons of knowledge to share since I am older than soil – that came before dirt, you know.
Clock wise from top to bottom: Ann Landers (Eppie Lederer)
Pauline Phillips (Abigail Van Buren - Dear Abby)
Jeanne Phillips (current Dear Abby - Pauline's daughter)
Do you see a resemblance between Ann and Abby? They were twins.
Two Rules
Although we love to give advice, we are not always receptive to receiving it. For that reason, there are two rules you might want to use when you give advice:
Rule Number One - Do not tell others what to do. Instead, suggest! For example, do not use these phrases:- you must ... you have to ... you should ... do it this way.
Instead, use phrases like: Have you considered ... Would you like to try ... You might want to ... or Here is something that works for me ...
Rule Number Two - Do not use words like stupid, idiot, moron, dope, dummy, &$#%!! or cretin (although cretin could work if the reader thinks it's a good thing).
Advice Column Questions and Answers
Since giving advice is not quite rocket science, instead of lengthy case studies, I will share with you some examples of weighty problems that I have encountered to date.
This first letter soliciting my advice came from a famous Hollywood actress. Because of confidentiality issues, I cannot reveal her name. This is what she wrote:
Dear Advice Person:
I am a very beautiful, attractive, glamorous, intelligent, feminine movie star with a lovely face and a sexy body. I love to cook when I have a man in my house to cook for. But I can’t seem to sustain a relationship for more than a few months with any man I am with. My boyfriends have always liked to be seen with me when we go out. But I also do not mind occasionally staying in. What do you think my problem may be about?
me – It’s very simple, Jennifer. Oops! Men do not want to be with a woman who constantly ends all her sentences with a proposition, er … I mean, preposition.
To the Advice Person,
My mother is always bugging me to get up and go to school on time. I’m sick and tired of school. The kids don’t like me, the teachers hate me. The administrators ignore me. Even the maintenance people avoid me. What should I do? Signed: Myron
me – Stop whining, Myron. I know who you are. You have to get up, get dressed, eat your breakfast, and you must get to school on time. You are 42 years old and you are the Principal.
Dear Ms. Advice Person:
I have finally found the person of my dreams but she is a gorilla! Really! She is a real live genuine gorilla. Signed: Anxious
me – So, what’s the problem, Anxious? Nobody’s perfect!
Gorilla Joke
Speaking of gorillas, let me share my favorite gorilla joke.
The local zoo had acquired a very rare female gorilla. Within a short time, she became very obstreperous and difficult to handle. The zoo veterinarian determined she was in heat. What could they do? There was no male of this species available.
The zoo director had noticed that the gorilla seemed to become more calm and placid, even coy, whenever Chuck was near. He was the employee who brought her food each day. It was rumored that Chuck possessed ample ability to satisfy any female since he had the physique of a Tarzan but he wasn't very bright. So maybe there was a solution. Perhaps they could entice him to satisfy the female gorilla.
The director offered him a proposition – would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500. Chuck said that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, he announced that he would accept the offer, but only under two conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to kiss her,"
The director quickly agreed. What was the second condition?
"Well," said Chuck, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
Dear Advice Person:
Please tell me how much do you charge to give advice?
me – $100 for 2 questions.
What is your second question?
Dear Advice Giver:
Why is it that only women seem to write Advice Columns?
me – Let me give you an example. I asked my male executive assistant to write my column when I was ill one day. Here is the question and his answer:
Dear Advice Person:
I need your advice. One day last week I drove off to work leaving my husband at home watching television as usual. I drove about three blocks when the engine stalled and the car would not start again. I walked home to get my husband to help me.
He didn’t hear me come in the door and when I walked into our bedroom I got the shock of my life. There was my husband with the 22-year old daughter of our next door neighbor. We are both in our 40s and have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him he admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him I would leave him if he didn’t stop seeing her. He lost his job a year ago and has been feeling very depressed.
I love my husband but he has become very distant and will not go to counseling. Can you please help me? Signed: Desperate
Dear Desperate,
When a car stalls after being driven a short distance, take these steps. First, check that there is nothing clogging the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. Check all grounding wires. If the problem still exists, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty. I hope this helps.
Very truly yours,
I rest my case.
Can You Answer These?
Some questions are more difficult to answer than others – here are a few that stumped me:
• Two women moved into the apartment across the hall from me. One appears to be in her twenties and the other in her thirties. They go everywhere together and I have never seen a man go in or out of their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
• What can I do about all the sex, nudity, coarse language and violence on my VCR?
• We call gulls that fly over the sea seagulls. If they flew over the bay could we call them bagels?
• I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?
• Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his faith?
• If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• My mother is angry and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
• You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in making love to send him to a psychologist. Well, my husband lost all interest years ago and he IS a psychologist. What should I do?
That’s all the advice for today, folks. If you have any questions for the Advice Column columnist, please post them in the Comments section below.
“A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby
© Copyright BJ Rakow, Ph.D. 2012. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So"
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Excellent article! I'd love to be an advice columnist even though I might not give the best advice. I am a BIG fan of Dear Abby and Ann! Funny hub drbj!:)
Your article was definitely amusing. Thanks for the laugh.
We have all the answers but present them as suggestions. Sound like the Catholic Church, only softer.
Ok, you start the psychological advice column and I'll start the minor medical issues advice column. We'll be famous like Ann and Abby.
I wish you would stop writing these very funny articles for me to find first thing in the day. I'm a morning grouch by nature, and your stuff just forces me to laugh. I don't know whether to explode in frustration, or roll around the floor in uncontrolled mirth.
Voted up, with all the buttons pressed.
I loved it! I couldn't help but laugh at all of them. My favorite was the male assistance. Great one! Thanks for the laugh this morning.
Thanks for the chuckle. I needed it as I'm about to go off for a 13 hour shift.... Sigh! Lynda
A fun article! Now that I know everything there is to know about giving advice, I'll start my own column. I think I'll call it 'Hey Stupid! You have to do it my way'!
My friend, I can't stop laughing. You are the best in finding nice topic like this one. Rated up!
Prasetio
Haha. Nice one drbj. Sometimes the queries are just as funny as the advice. Thanks for the advice..and the chuckles.
I have no advice for you drbj - other than to suggest respectfully that you should keep advising and telling your funny jokes. (BTW, your male executive assistant's promising too, but next time, he might advise that it's quicker phoning a taxi.)
drbj - I have no desire to dispense advice but you have laid this out quite well. My advice and $1.50 will get you a cup of coffee down at the local diner. Maybe!
The Frog
Drbj - I always wanted to be Dear Abby when I was young - I think I was reading her column faithfully when I was about 12:). I didn't want to actually give out real advice though - I wanted to just say crazy stuff:). Like for those lonely people looking for new relationships? I'd say skip it and get a good dog - they're loyal! Haha!
Up and everything!
I must admit that the topic, " Adcice column " started me laughing before i read a line. I knew how hilarious you could make it, and you did. My favorite, the guy needing time to make the $ 500.00 bucks..HaHa..Loved it..I have to go Google ( cretin ) it's not in my dictionary..Hee..Cheers.. I'm back, it's a stupid person. I always learn new words from you....
Boy child: Momma, where do you think its at? Mom: Behind that preposition at. Drbj's advice, Gorilla joke, and hard to answer questions all taken to heart, and funny bone too for that matter. Drbj, youse the funniest advice giver this side of Kalamazoo!
How about "Bloody Shrink"?
Funny hub! I have to admit that reading some advice columns, I quite naturally believe that I would offer better advice of my own..... The jokes and humorous advice Q&As are priceless. Rated up and funny :)
This is a very funny advice collection, drbj. I used to read the advice column in the newspaper when I was a teenager, but I haven't done so for years. Your advice is certainly more entertaining than what I used to read in the newspaper!
Thank you for taking the sting out of the mess we are in. I am in a great mood now thanks to you. Up and very, very funny!
My dear drbj, I am sitting here giggling. This is so funny.
Thanks for the laugh. I loved the story of why you don’t consider men suitable for writing advice columns. And some of those questions at the end were hilarious.
Dear dr. bj, I just don't know what I should do about this. My husband is always complaining about hair in sandwiches that I send to work with him. Should I give him money for lunch or should I just quit making him a lunch?
Boo Hiss I know couldn't come up with any funny...just dumb:)
I loved this hub and laughed all the way through it.
I wanted to be "Dear Abby" also. I also wanted to be Erma Bombeck. I wonder what would happen if I combined the two?
Voted up
Hello Dr BJ - my friend - I've discovered most people only hear what they want to hear - I've dropped the idea of ever giving advice - I just throw questions at em and hope they reach the right conclusion now! And then who am I to say anyone else is right or wrong!
I thought the zookeeper made ol' Chuck a pretty good offer too! LOL! This was quite funny...enjoyed it very much. WB
drbj - You sure have a way with words! I have always been a fan of your pun hubs and your wit continues to flow. I was a fan of Dear Abby. It was a regular read for me. You have expanded on many wonderful ideas and tips. Rules #1 and 2 are not only funny, but true - can I just snip that part out for my mom-in-law? (giggle)
Again, a real joy to read - voted up and across
What a great hub;thanks for sharing.
I loved it and here's to many more to share on here.
Take care and enjoy your day.
Eddy.
LOL absolutely brilliant!!...thanks for the advice, albeit tongue in cheek:-)I particularly like the one about the car breaking down. Voted up and awesome :-)
Bell
Haha! Drbj - I love your comments:) lol. You're the best!
very good insight, very good writing
Damn Dr. BJ, I thought you really "got the job." You would be SO great!!! Of course, the Advice Column would have to be located in the middle of the comics section. But I'm sure that could be worked out. I must share this!
Boy, I'll tell you, you are the funniest writer on HubPages. I laughed out loud at several junctures. I think this is your most witty work. I could not have enjoyed it more. I got a chuckle out of your advice to Jennifer. And I thought the manly advice was perfect.
I had not heard of this quote:
"Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it."
Ah, leave it to Ben.
I laughed aloud—a belly laugh, mind you—when I was surprised by this line:
"You gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
And then, I thought this was great:
"If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
Thank you for this treasure trove of hilarious advice.
I have written newspaper columns about culture, religion and social anthropology but never tried hands at advice column. Thanks for sharing these useful tips.
Some day when your feeling chatty you'll have to give me a call because I have one doozie of a story for you!! I'd write a book about it but I'm afraid folks would think I'd went and lost my mind!! I'm certain in just a short time I will, but for now I'm trying to hang on to those tiny threads that are left. I would dearly love to hear the comedic spin you'd put on it.
I have to agree with James up there - You ARE the funniest writer here on HubPages... If I wore a hat, I'd tip it toward you!!
Hi drbj - thanks for the great laughs. I don't know how you come up with them. I was thinking that we need an advise column here on HP - you'd be the go to person for it! I've always wondered about advice columns, and if the writers ever just make up their own questions.
This is great... I have always wanted to be an advice columnist... mainly because I think it would be cool to get paid to give people my opinion. After all, I was going to share it anyway so why not earn some bucks while i am there.
Benjamin Franklin was a wise man! ;-)
I used to read Ann Landers when I was in high school. She used to get some real zingers in, without actually calling someone stupid.
Your "stumper" about the bad/rotten/naughty things 'on the VCR' reminds me of this (supposedly true) story:
A woman called the police because she was offended by the neighbors sunbathing in the nude in view of her bedroom window. The cops came over, looked out the window, and stated that they did not see anyone or anything out of order--to which the woman replied, "Well, stand on that chair right there, and you'll see plenty!"
Good hub--voted up and funny.
Dear drbj, I am fairly sensible, love reading and writing and consider myself evenly balanced. I recently read an article on 'how to write an advice column' that had me choking on my epiglottis, crying with laughter, thumping my desk like Tarzan thumps his chest and having to get up and run out of my study. Is this 'normal'?
PS: And one more thing, is it ok to find oneself attracted to someone who uses the word 'obstreperous' and being titillated by their punchy one liners?
PPS: where can I get hold of some good lebanese films?
Please help!
Docmo
I began reading Dear Abbey and Ann Landers as a child until they were no longer published in my local newspaper. I thoroughly enjoyed the submitted questions as well as the responses. I would absolutely love to read your column...did I miss it somewhere in this hub? Is it online? Reading columns like this was a regular staple of everyday living...I still miss them to this day!
If you don't mind drbj, I like to give a shot at those questions/comments that stumped you..ahem (clearing my throat):
1. I can only suggest that perhaps the women are sisters, and that they get their freak on away from the apartment. Maybe they each think that this will curb the nosiness of the neighbor. I hope this helps.
2.Dust off your VCR, and hit replay!
3. They are still seagulls, with an unlimited appreciation for the bay.
4. You should believe him, but you should never trust him again...get a camera.
5. Your son is not turning against faith, he is on the other hand karate chopping faith one hail mary at a time.
6. Animals are made of meat simply to help keep your teeth healthy and strong. You do need strong teeth to chew the fat.
7.Perhaps your Mother is going through mental-pause, and menopause...they are indeed one and the same.
8. You can be the other woman who goes to see the psychologist...your husband...get your freak on!!
Doesn't it amaze you...the kind of questions you'll get, and the sincerity behind the lack of awareness?!
I thoroughly enjoyed this hub drbj...and maybe, just maybe if the dude that feeds the gorilla can't come up with the $500.00 smackers, he can get them to accept a coupon instead!
drbj, The pleasure is all mine! I love your avatar...makes me feel safe! And how you speak through your writing, makes me want to read more and more!
Just so you know I had to look up putative...so, thanks! LOL
I will indeed look at the Interviews with Dead Celebrities!
drbj...You Rock!!!
...pinkie swear!

















































tlmcgaa70 Level 6 Commenter 4 months ago
that is to funny. i to read the advice columnist in our loca l paper. after reading the majority of their answers i feel sure i am more qualified than they are to offer advice. lol. thanks for the great hub and the laugh. voted up, useful, funny and interesting.