Interview with Snow White

Have you ever seen that amazing animated feature film, "Snow White”? I wanted to interview the lovely heroine but we just could not seem to connect. Either she was cavorting with her Handsome Prince or visiting her Seven Dwarf buddies.

But you know how persistent I can be, so finally after exchanging numerous f-mails we met at Ye Olde Tea Shoppe. I can hear you asking, “What are f-mails?” No, they are not scatological messages. The ‘f’ stands for Fairy Tale.

Are you doubting my veracity? Then you must not be aware of my super-special, supernatural ability to interview not only infamous, although now dead, celebrities like Cleopatra, but also weird animals and even psychic vegetables. But that’s another story, I mean, hub.

me – I want to thank you, Your Highness, Princess Snow White, for granting me this interview.

Snow White – No problem, I love talking . . . about myself. And you can call me Snow.

me – Thank you. I can’t help but wonder, are you living happily ever after?

Snow – What are you drinking? Are you living in a fairy tale? Have you forgotten my story?

me – Not really, but I would love to hear your version.

Snow – Do you know how I got my name? (Keeps talking). Once upon a time – that’s how all our stories began in those days – my beautiful and kind mother, the Queen, sat sewing by her window. It was winter and there was snow on the ground. As she sewed, she pricked her finger with the needle and three drops of blood fell upon the snow.

She said to herself: “I wish I had a daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as black as this ebony window frame.” Then I was born. Thank God she chose the name, Snow White! Imagine me as Blood Red or Black Hair. Not!

My mother died when I was young. My father, the King, remarried and my stepmother was very beautiful on the outside but very evil on the inside. She was civil to me while my father was alive but he died when I was a teenager and she became the stepmother from Hell.

me – I remember reading about her Magic Mirror. Was she really such a narcissist?

Snow – She was constantly checking out her appearance and talking to the mirror. Saying nonsense like, “Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?” And the mirror would always answer, “Why you are, my Queen. You are the fairest of them all.”

me – The mirror could talk?

Snow – Of course, doesn’t yours?

me – Yes, in a manner of speaking. But since I am older than soil, I try not to pay attention.

Back to you. Why did your stepmother become so evil and mean as you grew up?

Snow – She was jealous of me with my snow white skin, raven black hair, rosy red lips, perfect features, and voluptuous body. I was the Angelina Jolie / Megan Fox of that era.

me – How do you know the names of those movie stars?

Snow – We do not live in a vacuum in our kingdom, you know, we have Giggle.

me – You mean Google?

Snow – Whatever! Our castle was next to a beautiful forest and I made friends with all the gentle wild creatures that lived there – deer, rabbits, birds, moles, dust bunnies . . .

me – Dust bunnies?

Snow – I just threw that in to see if you were paying attention. I never saw a dust bunny in my life. We had dozens of servants to clean and cook and pamper us. I was lonely though with no BFFs.

As I grew to womanhood – that’s another phrase used back in the day – I dreamed of a handsome prince who would come riding up in a cool, white Exelero, rescue me, and take me off to his castle to be his wife. That was my fave wicked daydream.

me – Wicked?

Snow – You know . . . wicked! – cool!

me – I’m surprised that you use so many words and phrases popular with young people today. How did you learn them?

Snow – You forgot! Giggle! (She giggles).

me – What made your cruel stepmother finally decide to be rid of you?

Snow – As I became more beautiful each day – it’s not bragging when it’s true, right? – my stepmother became more envious. She was still talking to her mirror, but one fateful day the mirror responded, “You, my queen, are fair; it is true. But Little Snow-White is freakin’ awesome.”

me – Freakin’ awesome?

Snow – Just kidding. The mirror said, “Little Snow White is a thousand times fairer than you.” You can just imagine – how shall I put this? – at that moment the fecal matter hit the device that produces a current of air.

The queen became consumed by jealousy which gave her no peace. She summoned her faithful huntsman and gave him his marching orders: “Take Snow White to a remote spot in the woods and kill her. As proof of her death, bring her lungs and liver back to me for my dinner.” My stepmother was a piece of work.

me – Understatement of the year. What happened next?

Snow – The huntsman had been my friend and could not commit such a dastardly deed. I began to cry and that touched his heart. He took pity on me believing that wild animals would soon do his job for him. I promised to run deeper into the woods and never return. I may be unbelievably beautiful but I am not a knob!

me – A knob?

Snow – You know, a knob, an idiot. I learned much later that the huntsman killed a boar and brought its lungs and liver to my stepmother as proof of my death.

me – What a ghastly experience for you?

Snow – Ya think? I was devastated, alone, afraid and frightened to death. I ran through that forest all day until sundown to get far, far away from my evil stepmother. Just as it began to get dark I stumbled across a little house in the middle of the woods.

Snow – I guess I should be more PC – Politically Correct – to call them little people but in those days they were known as dwarfs. The little house was owned by seven dwarfs who worked in a mine all day. Their door was open and no one was home.

me – How did you know that seven dwarfs lived in the house?

Snow – Duh? Everything was very small – a little table, seven little chairs, seven little settings of tableware, and seven little beds. I was very hungry and thirsty, so I ate a little bread and then I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep.

I tried each of the seven little beds and when I reached the seventh one, I lay down in it and instantly fell asleep – even though my legs hung over the end of the too short bed.

me – That part of your story sounds remarkably familiar like ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears.’

Snow – Sorry. Never heard of those bozos. Must have been before my time.

me – Were the Seven Dwarfs upset to find you in their house when they returned home?

Snow – Au contraire! They seemed pleased to have me as their new roommate. I explained how my stepmother, the queen, had tried to kill me, how the huntsman spared my life, and how I had run through the forest the entire day to find refuge. They even built me a queen-sized bed – very appropriate, doncha think?

me – How generous of them.

Snow – Not entirely. They drew up a contract whereby I agreed to be an unpaid housekeeper who would cook and bake, sew, mend, make the beds, wash and iron the clothing, and keep everything clean and orderly. In return I would have free room and board and their protection.

They warned me that they spent each day digging in the mine so I would be all alone. I must watch out for the queen, and not let anyone into the house.

Snow – I later learned – this is all hearsay, you know – that my evil stepmother believed she was again the most beautiful woman in the land, but when she asked her magic mirror that fateful question, it responded: “You my queen are fair, it is true. But Little Snow-White beyond the seven mountains is a thousand times fairer than you.”

The queen knew that only the Seven Dwarfs lived in the Seven Mountains so they must have rescued me. She disguised herself as an ancient crone – similar to your avatar, drbj – and traveled to the dwarfs’ house. She pretended to be an old peddler selling silk bodice laces.

me – Tell me you did not let her in.

Snow – I couldn’t help myself. The bodice laces she was selling were beautiful shades of red, blue and yellow silk. I’m such a fashionista I could not resist them. I invited her in and she laced up my bodice for me.

She pulled the laces so tight (remember Vivien Leigh as Scarlett O’Hara in “Gone With the Wind”?) that I lost my breath and fell to the floor as if dead. The Queen thought I had perished and quickly left.

me – How did you survive?

Snow – Fortunately, my dear dwarfs were working a short mine shaft shift – try saying that quickly – found me in time, and quickly cut the bodice laces so I could breathe again. Once again they warned me not to let anyone in the house when they were at work.

Back at the ranch, the queen again queried her mirror and the mirror answered: “You, my queen, are fair; it is true. But Little Snow-White with the seven dwarfs is a thousand times fairer than you.”

me – She must have become apoplectic.

Snow – She was radically mad. But she tried to kill me again. This time she wore a different disguise – she resembled a female Al Pacino off his meds. She tried to sell me a jeweled comb that she had poisoned. I didn’t recognize her and foolishly let her in. I’m a fool for bling.

She insisted on pinning up my hair with the poisoned comb and once again I fainted and fell flat on the floor. She left thinking I was dead for real. Fortunately, my roommates came home just in time and pulled that potentially poisonous comb from my hair. Once again I promised them not to let anyone into the house. This time I meant it.

me – Did the Magic Mirror give the queen that "You are no longer the fairest" message again?

Snow – Of course, and I heard she became so un-hinged she concocted a poisonous apple and vowed, "Snow-White will die, if it costs me my life!" Once more she disguised herself as a repulsive-looking, ugly wretch of a witch and came to the dwarfs' house.

me – I hope you learned a lesson and did not let her in.

Snow – A house does not have to fall on me. I told her I was not allowed to let anyone in while the dwarfs were not home.

me – What was she selling this time?

Snow – She had a beautiful, large red shiny apple in her hand but I told her I was forbidden to accept anything from anyone I did not know. She said she understood and would cut this beautiful apple in half and eat half of it with me.

I did not realize she had poisoned only the half of apple she gave to me. My desire for it grew stronger and I took the half of apple she offered me through the window.

me – What happened?

Snow – I died. At least I looked like I had died. I was in a deep coma. When the dwarfs came home they could not awaken me. They would have buried me but they saw I just looked like I was asleep and not dead. So they built a magnificent glass coffin and laid me inside so they could continue to gaze at me.

I still had my beautiful white skin, black glossy hair and rosy cheeks and lips. They inscribed my name and ancestry in gold letters on the coffin and one of the dwarfs always stayed at home to watch over me.

me – When does your handsome young prince enter the picture?

Snow – I thought you would never ask. My prince came to the dwarfs’ house for shelter and saw me lying there in a glass coffin in their parlor illuminated by seven little candles. He fell in love with me at first sight.

He told the Seven Dwarfs that he could not live without me and would keep and honor me as his most cherished possession on earth. The dwarfs realized the prince loved me deeply and gave him the glass coffin – and me.

me – What a sad love story.

Snow – Wait, there is a happy ending. The prince was so infatuated with dead-like me, he had his servants carry the coffin to and fro so I was always with him wherever he was in his large castle.

One day, one of the servants who had been doing most of the heavy lifting and carrying became angry, opened my coffin, lifted me upright and said, "We are plagued the whole day long every day because of you, Snow $#*!," and he hit me very hard square in the back with his fist.

me – I thought you said there is a happy ending.

Snow – There is. The large chunk of apple I had swallowed flew out of my throat and I came instantly back to life. The servant unknowingly had performed the Heimlich maneuver and revived me.

My handsome prince was beside himself with happiness and we made plans to marry the next day. I even invited my evil stepmother but she had died from a stroke when her mirror told her once more she was NOT the fairest.

me – You know, Snow, this is a lovely story but it is very different from the story in the film, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” that Walt Disney produced in 1937. In that film, you meet your Super Prince before you meet the dwarfs, and he awakens you at the end of the film with a kiss.

Snow – I know. Isn’t that romantic? The story I have related to you is from a very old German fairy tale written by the Brothers Grimm. The evil queen in their original story was not my stepmother but my mother. That part was rewritten for the kiddies. And the dwarfs had different names: Blick, the eldest, then Flick, Glick, Snick, Plick, Whick and Quee who was a budding kleptomaniac. But the overall plot is similar.

me – I adored the dwarfs in the Disney version: Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey. Each one had a very different but fascinating persona.

Snow – Perhaps one day you will interview and psychoanalyze them (LOL).

me – Could be so, Snow. Stranger interviews have happened. Thank you for the interview and the WOW – Words of Wisdom.

Source: Grimm, Jacob and Wilhelm. Kinder-und Hausmärchen (Children and Household Tales), 1st ed. Berlin: Germany, 1812. Translated by D. L. Ashliman, 1998

Guess what? Two production companies have decided, almost simultaneously, to remake "Snow White" as a feature film. Not an animated movie but with real actors.

Relativity Media finished filming “Mirror Mirror,” directed by Tarsem Singh and set for release on March 16, 2012. It stars Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen, Lily Collins as Snow White, Armie Hammer as the Prince, and Nathan Lane as Brighton, the Queen's major domo.

Another new film, “Snow White and the Huntsman,” directed by Rupert Sanders, stars Charlize Theron as the Evil Queen, Kristen Stewart as Snow White, Sam Claflin as Prince William, and Chris Hemsworth as Eric the Huntsman. It is set for release on June 1, 2012

© Copyright BJ Rakow, Ph.D. 2012. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So"